I think I'm a little distracted today. How do I know?
- My alarm went off this morning and instead of pressing snooze, I turned it off. I then rolled over and slept for another hour.
- When I changed into my work shoes at my desk, I noticed that I was wearing one brown and one black sock.
- I almost missed two meetings.
- When I got home at the end of the day, I stood there waving my security badge at the front door of my apartment building for at least a minute before I realized that no, that's for the office. The key is for home.
- I tried to open my mailbox with my bike lock key.
- When I used the correct key (yay!) to open my apartment, I discovered that I had forgotten to lock it this morning. If you would like to rob me blind, apparently you can go right ahead.
The reason my mind is elsewhere today is because exactly two years ago I took the day off work, went to the Greyhound station, and said goodbye to my girlfriend of almost 6 years as she left for BC. It was a gloomy, rainy day (much like today) and it ranks right up there with the day I found out that my parents were splitting up and the day of my grandpa's funeral as one of my saddest days. It's funny how quickly grief just become a part of who you are. It's a flicker in the corner of your brain, not really fully realized but there nonetheless.
I spent much of that first year devastated. I missed K yet I hated her for what she had done to me. I cried myself to sleep many nights. I agonized over what I could have done differently or how I could have changed so that she would have stayed.
Two years have passed and I'm still sad, only the reason has changed. I now see that K and I weren't the best for each other and it was a very good thing that she left. However, since that time I have remained very much alone. Though I've had crushes on a few awesome people, no one has expressed any interest in me. On the other hand, K has had 2 serious relationships. My sadness used to stem from "Boo hoo I want her back." Now it centres around "What's wrong with me? Why am I so unlovable?" I'm starting to accept that I will likely be alone for the rest of my life.
It's a tough idea to get used to. I'm working very hard on making my aloneness just another fact about me, rather than something to get upset about. "Yes, that's Nat. She has brown hair, blue eyes, and she's alone." Probably you think I'm silly. Again and again people have told me to just get over it already. Well that's what I'm doing - I'm just taking a bit longer than some people.
So if you'll excuse me, I've got a pity party of one to attend. I think I'll put Badly Drawn Boy's "The Shining" on repeat (cello AND French horn? you're
killing me!) and curl up under the covers with my sweet cat who has kept me company for the past 730 days. After all, the sun will come out tomorrow, right?
