Tuesday, February 26, 2008

Star light, star bright

For as long as I can remember, I've had 2 wishes. I used them on all stars, wishbones, and birthday cake blow-outs. One wish was to be skinny. I remember using that one for the first time when I was 7 years old. My mom told me to make a wish on the first star I saw in the sky, but not to tell anyone or it wouldn't come true. I wished with all my heart that I would be thin and I didn't tell a soul. As you can tell, the results of that were highly unsatisfactory.

The other wish is for something that probably sounds really bad, but I'm going to assure everyone right now that I'm fine. From the time I was little, I've wished that the universe would make it so that I could no longer be alive. Of course, I've always been overly concerned with the welfare of those I care about, so my wish always had a caveat. I only wanted to cease living if everyone around me would be okay with it. It was more like a wish to have never been born. I wasn't too fond of this whole living thing and wanted to simply disappear off the planet and, more importantly, from everyone's memory.

I was about 10 years old the first time I thought about killing myself. Life as I knew it was full of crying and being teased and bullied and beat up, so not existing sounded...peaceful. I knew exactly how I would do it, too, but I immediately changed my mind once I pictured my mom and grandma having to deal with my death. They would be utterly devastated and I just could not do that to them. Ever since then, I've held on to that desire to disappear. I know it's silly. I don't believe in superstition or gods or anything, yet I still wish my wish.

Tonight I was watching television and an ad came on for a new show about someone who is immortal. The ad flashed through all the problems that come with immortality - you don't grow old but everyone around you does, everyone you care for eventually dies, etc. You know how it goes. It's been done to death in literature and movies and, now, even TV shows. It's the type of show that would normally make me roll my eyes and change the channel but tonight, the ad made me think how humans are always searching for ways to live longer but how long would be enough? 100 years? 200 years? Would we want an extended life if no one else had one?

For some reason, all these thoughts on immortality and life and death resulted in a burst of light in my brain. It sounds utterly cheesy, but all of a sudden I could see that life IS good. That I think I would rather be breathing than not. That our time here really is a blip and that I have to enjoy it as much as I can. That my apartment has been around longer than most people. I've been told these things dozens of times before and even though I could agree, logically, I never felt it. And now I do. And now I have to find another thing to wish for on that first star.

Monday, February 11, 2008

Seven things

The super-fantastic Savia has tagged me for the following meme:

7 random or weird things about yourself

The rules are as follows:
# Link to the person who tagged you
# Post the rules on your blog.
# Share seven random and/or weird facts about yourself on your blog.
# Tag seven random people at the end of your post, and include links to their blogs.
# Leave a comment on their blogs so that they know they have been tagged.
  1. I don't drive. I have my learner's license but I haven't really operated a vehicle since I was about 16. Well, there was that one time when K tried to teach me to drive the Jetta I had just purchased but that ended in mild whip-lash and much laughter.

  2. I haven't puked since I was about 9 or 10. I remember the day clearly. My family was going to the Travelodge hotel for Sunday brunch and I had a migraine. Instead of letting me stay at home or postponing the meal, my mom and step-dad decided I could lay on one of the couches just outside the restaurant when they went inside. I slumped over on the leather in my nice dress and white tights and moaned softly while they ate and laughed with their friends. After everything was over and we were leaving the hotel, I puked all over the lobby. Ha! Told 'em I was sick.

  3. Related to #2 - I've never been hung over. I've been drunk, oh yes. Many many times - just this past Saturday, in fact. It was one of those can't-really-see-straight-so-you-try-looking-out-of-one-eye-at-a-time nights. In other words, it was fabulous. But Sunday morning? I was perfectly fine. Okay, well "fine" might be pushing it a bit. I was low energy and a bit dehydrated but there was no queasiness or feeling like the world was too bright or too loud. I'm lucky that way.

  4. I've had a headache since I was 5. Some days it's bad, other days it's hardly noticeable unless I think about it, but it's always, always there.

  5. I looooove the smell of books. When I get a new book, one of the first things I do is open it up near the middle and inhale deeply. My favourites are those old, musty books that have been sitting in someone's basement or garage.

  6. I really enjoy smoking but I don't really want to become addicted, so I follow some rules. I can only smoke by myself, outside, just before bed at night, and I can never have more than one in a night. A package usually takes me a month or two to finish, so I keep it in a plastic bag in my freezer.

  7. I can't skate. The last time someone tried to make me go skating was a couple of years ago. I stepped out onto the ice, slipped, and hit my head so hard that the world turned momentarily black. The experience went downhill from there.
So there you have it, folks. I'm a non-driving, non-puking, non-skating, book-smelling, hangover-avoiding drunk quasi-smoker with a headache. And I'm tagging:

The Diva
anyone over at A Mandolyn and Ky
That Girl

* Edited to add: Apparently I'm not very good at this tagging thing. I tried to find people who hadn't done this meme in the last little while, but I neglected to check the comments for recent tagging. Sorry all of you who have been double- and triple-tagged!