Saturday, April 19, 2008

I've been less than threed!

Aw, the Diva likes me! She really likes me!

See that award there? It's my very first one! Isn't she wonderful for giving it to me? You should all go check her out so you can see why I'm so tickled that such a fantastic person likes me.

I think the deal now is that I get to hand these out to 3 people I really enjoy. That's so difficult because I less than three all y'all! Okay, here it goes.

Savia, I want you to have this because your blog always brings a tear to my eye or a smile to my mouth. And you're the one who inspired me to write this crazy thing in the first place!

I would also like Paul to proudly show off this award. You're a sporadic updater but you make me laugh. (And your girlfriend's hot!)

And I'd like to give this to the mysterious Letter A. You take photos of my city. Often, they're scarily close to some of the photos I've taken. I don't know who you are but I less than three your blog.

Thanks to you all!

Thursday, April 10, 2008

Pity party of one

I think I'm a little distracted today. How do I know?
  • My alarm went off this morning and instead of pressing snooze, I turned it off. I then rolled over and slept for another hour.

  • When I changed into my work shoes at my desk, I noticed that I was wearing one brown and one black sock.

  • I almost missed two meetings.

  • When I got home at the end of the day, I stood there waving my security badge at the front door of my apartment building for at least a minute before I realized that no, that's for the office. The key is for home.

  • I tried to open my mailbox with my bike lock key.

  • When I used the correct key (yay!) to open my apartment, I discovered that I had forgotten to lock it this morning. If you would like to rob me blind, apparently you can go right ahead.
The reason my mind is elsewhere today is because exactly two years ago I took the day off work, went to the Greyhound station, and said goodbye to my girlfriend of almost 6 years as she left for BC. It was a gloomy, rainy day (much like today) and it ranks right up there with the day I found out that my parents were splitting up and the day of my grandpa's funeral as one of my saddest days. It's funny how quickly grief just become a part of who you are. It's a flicker in the corner of your brain, not really fully realized but there nonetheless.

I spent much of that first year devastated. I missed K yet I hated her for what she had done to me. I cried myself to sleep many nights. I agonized over what I could have done differently or how I could have changed so that she would have stayed.

Two years have passed and I'm still sad, only the reason has changed. I now see that K and I weren't the best for each other and it was a very good thing that she left. However, since that time I have remained very much alone. Though I've had crushes on a few awesome people, no one has expressed any interest in me. On the other hand, K has had 2 serious relationships. My sadness used to stem from "Boo hoo I want her back." Now it centres around "What's wrong with me? Why am I so unlovable?" I'm starting to accept that I will likely be alone for the rest of my life.

It's a tough idea to get used to. I'm working very hard on making my aloneness just another fact about me, rather than something to get upset about. "Yes, that's Nat. She has brown hair, blue eyes, and she's alone." Probably you think I'm silly. Again and again people have told me to just get over it already. Well that's what I'm doing - I'm just taking a bit longer than some people.

So if you'll excuse me, I've got a pity party of one to attend. I think I'll put Badly Drawn Boy's "The Shining" on repeat (cello AND French horn? you're killing me!) and curl up under the covers with my sweet cat who has kept me company for the past 730 days. After all, the sun will come out tomorrow, right?

Tuesday, April 1, 2008

Wash, rinse, repeat

Alarm goes off - press snooze for an hour
Drag body reluctantly out of bed
Zombie-walk to the bathroom
Trip over cat
Stand under stream of hot water until able to move muscles
Wash, rinse, repeat
Towel dry
Dress in barely-appropriate business casual attire
Make toast
Eat toast
Brush teeth

Walk to work

Sit in cubicle
Stare at computer screen
Do work
Read blogs
Check e-mail frequently and obsessively
Silently plead for someone to walk by and say hi or offer invite for coffee
Eat lunch
Stare at computer screen
Do work
Read blogs
Check e-mail frequently and obsessively

Walk home

Change out of barely-appropriate business casual attire
Trip over cat
Watch Simpsons and Arrested Development
Check e-mail frequently and obsessively
Make dinner
Watch something trashy or forgettable on TV so there is something to talk about the next day at work in the off chance someone stops to chat
Brush teeth
Wash face
Read a few pages of a mildly interesting book

and repeat