May-day! May-day!

It's May and that means something fantastic - MY BIRTHDAY! Can you hardly stand the excitement? I know, I know - how old am I? Ten? The big day isn't until Friday but In anticipation of the momentous occasion, I thought I'd offer you a glimpse of birthdays past.

May 9, 1975 - I was born. It was a Friday. According to the poem, Friday's child is loving and giving. That's something I try to be every minute of every day. Sometimes it's tougher than others but overall I think I do alright for myself.

May 9, 1976 - Oh my poor mom. 1976 was a leap year and so my 1st birthday fell on Mother's Day. She spent the day cooking and cleaning and throwing a barbeque for a couple dozen members of my extended family. Since then, my birthday has fallen on Mother's Day an additional 4 times (when I turned 7, 18, 24, and 29). The next time this will occur will be 2010 when I turn 35 (eep!).

May 10, 1980 - I did something bad before family arrived to celebrate my birthday and as a result, was grounded to my room. I remember my 2 older cousins hanging out with me but not for long. Outside my room seemed like much more fun to them than being stuck inside my room with a mopey, sullen Nat. Of course, I completely forget what it was I did that was so bad and my mom thinks I'm making up the whole story.

May 11, 1991 - Star, a friend I've had since high school, has a birthday on May 1. My other friend Lynn had the brilliant idea to throw her a surprise Sweet Sixteen party. As the preparations got more and more elaborate, I got more and more bitter. I felt unloved and left out and was so jealous that all this fuss was being made over her and not me. I had community band practice the day of the big party and by the time I was done I was hot, tired, sunburned, and even more upset. I decided that I should just skip the party due to "not feeling well" but my mom would have none of it. She practically had to drag me out the door and over to the my friend's house. I walked down the stairs to the party room and everyone yelled "Surprise!" "No - wrong person," I laughed. But nope - turned out the party was for me, too. Lynn, the sneaky monkey, had turned it into a joint bash for the both of us and a good time was had by all.

May 9, 1995 - This was my first birthday away from home. I was taking a month-long class on Quebec politics at Laval University. The class had just started a few days earlier and my awesome new classmates helped me celebrate from the moment I woke up (to off-key strains of the happy birthday song) until the moment I collapsed into bed (after eating, drinking, and dancing like a crazy woman).

May 9, 2000 - This was my second birthday away from home. As a convocation gift, my fabulous mother bought me a train pass so that I could travel out to the east coast and back for the month of May. On May 9 I found myself, again, in the lovely province of Quebec - this time in Montreal. My mom told me to listen to Richardson's Round-Up on CBC that day. She had asked him to play "Mario Takes A Walk" by Jesse Cook (a favourite) and to dedicate it to me, who was taking my own kind of walk. Awww. Later that night my friend Lime (who was traveling with me at the time) and some crazy guys from Mexico we met at the hostel went and drank La Fin du Monde until we believed we were fluent in French.

Thanks to my beautiful, strong, brilliant, generous friends and family, I've had many other memorable birthdays. I'm sure this year will be no exception. Thank you to everyone for walking with me through these past 33 years.

But enough about me - tell me about you! More specifically, tell me about a fabulous birthday you've celebrated in your past. Oh, and don't call me before noon on Saturday, okay?

Of snowflakes and friends

Have you ever tried to keep a snowflake? It's so beautiful and delicate and it seems the harder you try to stop it from melting, the faster it melts. At first you can still see the shape in the water but then even that grows hazy.

I have (had?) a friendship like that. It was beautiful yet incredibly delicate and it took me a long time to nurture it into being. My friend didn't open up easily and only lately started giving me glimpses of the soul that lies beneath that sarcastic outer shell. And then I went and did something stupid and the whole thing melted before my eyes. The trust my friend had in me was broken. The respect was gone.

My hope is that my friend feels there's something worth hanging on to. It may take a while to get back what we had but maybe, just maybe it's not completely over. I think it's this stupid little spark of hope, the one that says that my friend isn't ignoring me and this is all just a coincidence, is what makes everything worse. It tells me that maybe my friend is just busy. Maybe feelings haven't changed at all and it's just that taxes are due, or a house needs renovating. The spark of hope flickers and grows in my chest and I check for that familiar string of entertaining, though-provoking, insightful e-mails...only to find nothing. The spark shrinks, but never completely goes out. If it did extinguish, I could go about the grieving process because I'd know that snowflake is gone forever. But it's a stubborn spark that flickers like a distant star that refuses to die and it makes breathing painful.

I wish I could say that I couldn't imagine doing something so awful that a wonderful, precious friendship changes forever but I'm afraid I know exactly what that's like.

I'm sorry. I hope you forgive me before I forgive me. But how do you fix a melted snowflake?

I've been less than threed!

Aw, the Diva likes me! She really likes me!

See that award there? It's my very first one! Isn't she wonderful for giving it to me? You should all go check her out so you can see why I'm so tickled that such a fantastic person likes me.

I think the deal now is that I get to hand these out to 3 people I really enjoy. That's so difficult because I less than three all y'all! Okay, here it goes.

Savia, I want you to have this because your blog always brings a tear to my eye or a smile to my mouth. And you're the one who inspired me to write this crazy thing in the first place!

I would also like Paul to proudly show off this award. You're a sporadic updater but you make me laugh. (And your girlfriend's hot!)

And I'd like to give this to the mysterious Letter A. You take photos of my city. Often, they're scarily close to some of the photos I've taken. I don't know who you are but I less than three your blog.

Thanks to you all!

Pity party of one

I think I'm a little distracted today. How do I know?

• My alarm went off this morning and instead of pressing snooze, I turned it off. I then rolled over and slept for another hour.
  
  
• When I changed into my work shoes at my desk, I noticed that I was wearing one brown and one black sock.
  
  
• I almost missed two meetings.
  
  
• When I got home at the end of the day, I stood there waving my security badge at the front door of my apartment building for at least a minute before I realized that no, that's for the office. The key is for home.
  
  
• I tried to open my mailbox with my bike lock key.
  
  
• When I used the correct key (yay!) to open my apartment, I discovered that I had forgotten to lock it this morning. If you would like to rob me blind, apparently you can go right ahead.

The reason my mind is elsewhere today is because exactly two years ago I took the day off work, went to the Greyhound station, and said goodbye to my girlfriend of almost 6 years as she left for BC. It was a gloomy, rainy day (much like today) and it ranks right up there with the day I found out that my parents were splitting up and the day of my grandpa's funeral as one of my saddest days. It's funny how quickly grief just become a part of who you are. It's a flicker in the corner of your brain, not really fully realized but there nonetheless.


I spent much of that first year devastated. I missed K yet I hated her for what she had done to me. I cried myself to sleep many nights. I agonized over what I could have done differently or how I could have changed so that she would have stayed.

Two years have passed and I'm still sad, only the reason has changed. I now see that K and I weren't the best for each other and it was a very good thing that she left. However, since that time I have remained very much alone. Though I've had crushes on a few awesome people, no one has expressed any interest in me. On the other hand, K has had 2 serious relationships. My sadness used to stem from "Boo hoo I want her back." Now it centres around "What's wrong with me? Why am I so unlovable?" I'm starting to accept that I will likely be alone for the rest of my life.

It's a tough idea to get used to. I'm working very hard on making my aloneness just another fact about me, rather than something to get upset about. "Yes, that's Nat. She has brown hair, blue eyes, and she's alone." Probably you think I'm silly. Again and again people have told me to just get over it already. Well that's what I'm doing - I'm just taking a bit longer than some people.

So if you'll excuse me, I've got a pity party of one to attend. I think I'll put Badly Drawn Boy's "The Shining" on repeat (cello AND French horn? you're killing me!) and curl up under the covers with my sweet cat who has kept me company for the past 730 days. After all, the sun will come out tomorrow, right?

Wash, rinse, repeat

Alarm goes off - press snooze for an hour
Drag body reluctantly out of bed
Zombie-walk to the bathroom
Trip over cat
Stand under stream of hot water until able to move muscles
Wash, rinse, repeat
Towel dry
Moisturize
Dress in barely-appropriate business casual attire
Make toast
Eat toast
Brush teeth

Walk to work

Sit in cubicle
Stare at computer screen
Do work
Read blogs
Check e-mail frequently and obsessively
Silently plead for someone to walk by and say hi or offer invite for coffee
Eat lunch
Stare at computer screen
Do work
Read blogs
Check e-mail frequently and obsessively

Walk home

Change out of barely-appropriate business casual attire
Trip over cat
Watch Simpsons and Arrested Development
Check e-mail frequently and obsessively
Make dinner
Eat
Watch something trashy or forgettable on TV so there is something to talk about the next day at work in the off chance someone stops to chat
Brush teeth
Wash face
Read a few pages of a mildly interesting book
Sleep

Repeat
and repeat

and

repeat

Popular girl

Let's say you're new to your office. Better yet, let's say it's high school and you get transferred to a new school halfway through grade 11. A really nice girl is assigned to take you around and show you where your classes are. She seems to like you and she introduces you to all her friends. It doesn't take you long to realize that she is a bit popular and this pleases you at first, because it's always good to be friends with the popular people.


Her friends are awesome. You adore them. They're funny and smart and you can talk easily to them. You quickly become part of the gang and this is fantastic. You enjoy feeling like you're part of a group of friends. Unfortunately, Popular Girl's friends seem to merely tolerate you. You're in tight with Popular Girl, so they can't be mean to you, but it's excruciatingly obvious that she is the centre of the Friends' world.

After a while you grow sadder. In your old school, you were an important part of your own group of friends and you miss that. Even though Popular Girl is fantastic, you're envious of what she has. You want to be adored like the Friends adore her. If you're sitting in a room before anyone else gets there and then the Friends walk in, you'd like it if they would spot you and their eyes would light up and they would walk right over to you and sit by you because they think you're awesome.

But it's never like that. You suspect that the only reason the Friends talk to you is because of your proximity to Popular Girl. If you stopped hanging out with her, you'd likely not see much of the Friends any more and, really, you've begun to like the Friends more than Popular Girl. She's warm and funny and friendly but you have little in common. She also needs to be the centre of attention and you're the kind of person who likes a little attention too.


In the end, you stay friends with Popular Girl because you don't think you could survive the month, never mind the year, alone at the office school. Plus you realize that you really do love her.

And every now and then you wonder if you'll ever mature and get past this high school way of thinking.

You gimme fever

I'm going to tell you something that I probably shouldn't say out loud - at least not yet. But I'm going to be brave and risk the possible ramifications. SPRING IS HERE! Hooray! Let's all go dance in the puddles!


If you were to ask me sometime between June and February what my favourite season is, I'd respond strongly and confidently, "Autumn!" But dear-oh-dear, something happens to me between March and May. I toss off my down-filled jacket, kick off my Sorels, and poke my head out my front door like a prairie dog surfacing after a long hibernation. I walk until my feet fall off. I grab my notebook and practically skip to a favourite coffee shop, where I sip my London Fog, write, and watch all my other fellow prairie dogs venturing, blinking in the brightness, into the sloppy streets. I want to smile and say, "Hi! I've missed you!" to everyone I pass on the sidewalk - even the scary teenagers and the wheezing old people. Even the hipsters!


I'm the kind of person who adapts to crap. One time my cold water tap stopped working for my bathroom sink. Instead of calling the owners of the building right away and getting it fixed, I forgot about it and just got used to brushing my teeth with hot water. Anyway, I'm fairly easy-going and I try to look on the bright side of everything. Thankfully, I don't have seasonal affective disorder, so when I'm in the middle of our long, dark, cold winter, I adapt to the circumstances. Oh, it's -30C and none of my friends want to meet for drinks? I guess I'll just eat some popcorn and nuzzle a bit further down in these blankets. But as soon as that first thaw arrives, I feel like I've been released from prison. Whee!


So for the rest of the year, I can treasure the crisp coolness of autumn but right now I'm going to plunge headfirst into spring fever.

I'm going to leave you with this fun little ditty. Yes, I know that it was used recently for a computer commercial and yes, I know that means I'm supposed to hate it. But how can you hate a song with a la-la chorus? And a trombone!



Edited to add: The song is "New Soul" by Yael Naim, in case you were wondering.