I have something deeply embarassing to admit to you, dear readers. (However, since I imagine there's only one of you out there, I don't feel so shy about doing so.) I recently went to see a movie. I was supposed to go see something with friends but that didn't work out so I went by myself. AM I EVER GLAD I DID, because even though this movie was a comedy, one line made my stomach feel queasy and my heart squeeze in my chest. Before I even knew what was happening I had tears streaming down my face. It kinda bummed me out for the remainder of the show.
What was it? The Simpsons Movie. Yes, the one movie that I'm sure has made no one else cry in the whole world made me weep like a willow. The line came somewhere near the middle. Marge was mad at Homer for being such a dolt (surprise) and he was trying to defend himself against her attacks. He said that he's not really the type of guy who thinks very much, though he does admire people who do. Then he said the line that was so achingly beautiful and sad that it reached into my soul: I just try and make the day not hurt until I can crawl back into bed with you.
I realized that this is what I do all the time. I try to get through my days with as little thought as possible. In the mornings, I go for a walk before work. A lot of people would use this time for self-reflection and soul-searching. Not me, nope. I pop on the earphones and listen to music. Loudly. Then when I'm getting ready for work, I turn on the radio and listen to CBC. Sometime I get mad at the morning show host, sometimes I don't. Sometimes I ponder the problems in the world, sometimes I'm merely amused. What I don't do is turn those thoughs internally. For my walks to and from work, there's more music to silently sing along to. While I'm at work, I'm generally focused on the tasks I'm doing or the people I'm having lunch with. And finally, when I'm home again, I busy myself with television, radio, or (again) music. Even just before I go to bed, I read a few pages of whatever book I happen to be reading so that I'm thinking about the plot or characters as I'm drifing off.
From the moment I wake up until the moment I go to sleep, I do everything in my power to avoid thinking about myself. I'm pretty sure this is because I know, deep down, that I'm dreadfully unhappy, and I also don't believe there's a hell of a lot I can do about it, so why think about it too much, right? I'm doing what I can to "try and make the day not hurt." Some people turn to chemicals to do this. Apparently I turn to the entertainment industry and to socializing (with some chemicals thrown into the mix on the weekends).
I'm sure that I won't do anything with this new insight into myself but one thing's for sure: I'm going to be avoiding any so-called comedies from now on.