Thursday, April 10, 2008

Pity party of one

I think I'm a little distracted today. How do I know?
  • My alarm went off this morning and instead of pressing snooze, I turned it off. I then rolled over and slept for another hour.

  • When I changed into my work shoes at my desk, I noticed that I was wearing one brown and one black sock.

  • I almost missed two meetings.

  • When I got home at the end of the day, I stood there waving my security badge at the front door of my apartment building for at least a minute before I realized that no, that's for the office. The key is for home.

  • I tried to open my mailbox with my bike lock key.

  • When I used the correct key (yay!) to open my apartment, I discovered that I had forgotten to lock it this morning. If you would like to rob me blind, apparently you can go right ahead.
The reason my mind is elsewhere today is because exactly two years ago I took the day off work, went to the Greyhound station, and said goodbye to my girlfriend of almost 6 years as she left for BC. It was a gloomy, rainy day (much like today) and it ranks right up there with the day I found out that my parents were splitting up and the day of my grandpa's funeral as one of my saddest days. It's funny how quickly grief just become a part of who you are. It's a flicker in the corner of your brain, not really fully realized but there nonetheless.

I spent much of that first year devastated. I missed K yet I hated her for what she had done to me. I cried myself to sleep many nights. I agonized over what I could have done differently or how I could have changed so that she would have stayed.

Two years have passed and I'm still sad, only the reason has changed. I now see that K and I weren't the best for each other and it was a very good thing that she left. However, since that time I have remained very much alone. Though I've had crushes on a few awesome people, no one has expressed any interest in me. On the other hand, K has had 2 serious relationships. My sadness used to stem from "Boo hoo I want her back." Now it centres around "What's wrong with me? Why am I so unlovable?" I'm starting to accept that I will likely be alone for the rest of my life.

It's a tough idea to get used to. I'm working very hard on making my aloneness just another fact about me, rather than something to get upset about. "Yes, that's Nat. She has brown hair, blue eyes, and she's alone." Probably you think I'm silly. Again and again people have told me to just get over it already. Well that's what I'm doing - I'm just taking a bit longer than some people.

So if you'll excuse me, I've got a pity party of one to attend. I think I'll put Badly Drawn Boy's "The Shining" on repeat (cello AND French horn? you're killing me!) and curl up under the covers with my sweet cat who has kept me company for the past 730 days. After all, the sun will come out tomorrow, right?


  1. Some days are just be sad days. No words of encouragement except to say I hope there is sun tomorrow.

  2. I'm sorry about the sad anniversary. You'll get through this in your own time. I'm a slow healer myself.

  3. I was married - and in that relationship for a decade. After I left, I figured that I too would be alone. I eventually got to the point where I was totally okay with it. Oh - I dated. But I knew it really couldn't go anywhere because I wouldn't let it. Until Spartan. He changed the way I see the world. There is someone out there for everyone. I truly beleive this with all of my heart - but you need to be alone first. I've been with Spartan for almost a year - and I smile everyday when I think about how I was going to spend the rest of my life - alone. It seems such a long way from where I am now.

    Time heals all wounds. Even though they sometimes leave a scar - it's there to remind you of how hard you worked to move on. Only that.

    I need to go have a glass of wine and go to sleep. Not used to getting that thoughtful. LOL!

  4. Thanks for your comments, guys. They mean a lot to me. No really, they do. The sun didn't come out today (figuratively or literally) but there's always tomorrow, right?

  5. I'm so sorry you're sad. But please don't close yourself to the idea of a relationship. If you keep yourself open - not necessarily looking, but not giving up either, just open to the universe - then when the right person/people come along, you'll be ready, and they'll see that you're ready. And she or he is going to be fucking fantastic, because you deserve nothing less.

    You're one of the best people I have ever met and I love you to bits.

  6. Aw Savia - muuuaaaah! Think Superstar would mind if you were my girlfriend, too?

  7. You are maaahhhvelous.
    and i have awarded thee thusly.

    come to my site to get your award.

  8. Just wanted to congratulate you on winning the Diva's award. She speaks highly of you and she is usually right! ;)