Sunday, May 25, 2008

So long, farewell, yes those pants do make you look fat

I need help and I'm accepting resumes.

The last few times I've gone out for drinks with friends, I've noticed that I tell a lot of stories that are, in fact, neither funny nor interesting. I also talk WAY too much.

On Friday a bunch of us went to a nearby pub to say goodbye to two co-workers who are leaving the compnay. Here are just some of the things I said that night that probably would have been best left unsaid.

Said to someone who I've only talked to at work, who was drinking Hoegaarden:
• That beer you're drinking tastes like cat pee. Why do you drink cat pee beer?

Said after a friend accidentally brushed again my arm and commented on my skin:
• My skin's soft? I know! It's because I use cheap, no-name lotion.

Said to a co-worker who has a pretty high opinion of himself:
• I know you think you're all hot and stuff, but I don't think you're attractive. Like at. All.

Said to the table in general, at a time when most of my co-workers feel they are vastly underpaid:
• They pay me a ridiculously huge amount of money to do my job!

Said to a friend who is my age:
• My mom think you're hot. Too bad you didn't know her a year ago - I could be calling you dad now.

Said to a very good friend who is in a newish relationship:
• In university, a friend of mine dated your boyfriend. They didn't go out long, though. She said he was creepy.

Said at the end of the night:
• I'm not gonna pass out in the bathroom. I just want to have a little nap here.

I shudder to think of what I said that I no longer remember.

So yeah, send your applications by e-mail to me and I'll get back to those I feel qualify for an interview. Your job will to be to follow me when I go drinking and to make me shut the hell up.

At least I didn't ride the pig in front of the pub like one of my co-workers did.


  1. OMG this really cracked me up. Did you really say those things? I have to stumble this post.

  2. Okay, seriously, we have to hang out more. You rock!

  3. Those are things I have said or would say. I had no idea that there was two of us.

  4. I've been drinking with you and I've been there when things like that are said. You know what, though??? They're funny and awesome just like you! ;)

  5. I love this post!! I've been there many times!! This past Saturday in fact!! lol They may not seem like funny comments at the time, but reading them here now has a bit of a different light!!